toadflax234: (OMG)
NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
toadflax234: (Default)
Snagged from [livejournal.com profile] northernsnokat on LJ...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. (Thanks [livejournal.com profile] corporatebeach!>

25. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

26. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
toadflax234: (Default)
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. Patient: “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’“
Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
Patient: “Is it common?”
Doctor: Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire In the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, You’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns To his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
toadflax234: (Default)
Needed to see this again. Sorry if you've all seen it before, but hey! You'll need volume...

http://www.break.com/index/torn.html
toadflax234: (Default)
You've probably seen this one before, but hey, I like it!

How to give a cat a pill )
toadflax234: (Default)
....

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000. Tux rental-£100
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
toadflax234: (Default)

Just found this on another friend's site. Have a go, and dance along!

http://www.davidbessler.com/pulldown/pipecleaner_dance.html

 


 

toadflax234: (Default)
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very
expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 2 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing. One day the
infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.She read,"..And so the pig
went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One
little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy xxxx! A
talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this are already planning to try mixing the bleach
and brake fluid.

Profile

toadflax234: (Default)
toadflax234

January 2017

S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
222324252627 28
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 23rd, 2017 08:46 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios